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reeds 2

THE black man with roses 2

BACHELOR

DIARIES

“No More Nice Guy!”

by Theo McNee

By all appearances, my cousin Hank* is the ideal image of what most women are looking for.  He’s gainfully employed, mildly affectionate, elusive, charming and smart.  He’s also handsome, and ever since high school, women have found him to be irresistible.  In fact, he has been breaking hearts for as long as I can remember.  He is now 39 and has never married.  According to him, it’s not on his agenda.  My uncle (his father) attributes his success with women, to the challenge he represents to them.  He told me once and I’ll never forget it, “Women don’t really appreciate a man they can figure it out.  They also don’t like men who try too hard to make a good impression.  For most women, a little drama, a little mystery and a love tap every now and then, goes a long way towards keeping her where a man wants her to be, and for as long as he wants her to be there.”

However, contrary to what he said, everywhere I go in this country, I meet single women who consistently have the same bluesy cry.  “Good men are hard to find.”  Yet, I’ve found that no matter how starved these women are for love and companionship, most pass over the guys who exemplify what they claim they dream of having in a mate.  Attentive…Affectionate…Committed.

I’ve found that these women want to be accommodated, but not to the extreme.  Consequently, when they meet a guy whose polite manners and zealousness fail to induce shivers along the spinal column, they either use him up until “the real thing” comes along or go back to old flames who had given them the flux.  Being alone, some say is a lot better than being with someone who lacks that certain something that makes you want to climb all over them.  In other words, nice guys finish last.  I ought to know because I used to be a nice guy.

I asked some of those women who agreed that guys who are too nice just don’t cut the grade, to describe what it is that makes a guy fall into this category.   Here are a few of the answers that made me wince…

black man with giftSheryl – “Nice guys try too hard.  They work too hard to impress you with their sweetness or pliability.  Your time is their time.  There is no mystique.  After awhile, you get bored.”

Nedra – “They tell you too much about them, too soon in the relationship.  They leave nothing to the imagination.  They usually lack excitement or the ability to inspire a woman to follow their lead.”

Marianne – “Your opinions become their opinions.  They walk and let you ride.  There is usually no meat to their personality.  They put you on a pedestal with saliva dripping from their mouths, and their expectations for attention can be overwhelming.”

Diane – “They lean too much on the “give her anything she wants” theory to win you over.  We all are looking for someone who has an interest in pleasing, but it can’t be obsessive and their only quality.”

Doreen – “A guy should have some sort of mysterious aspect to his personality.  It is one of the main characteristics that makes him interesting.  When a man lacks this trait, you feel that there is nothing magical to discover about him.”

Barbara – “These guys have a tendency to grapple too soon for your undying affection.  The hunger is evident in their eyes and their manner.  They take accommodating to new heights.  I want a man who has a life other than me.”

Laura – “With the nice guy whatever you do is okay.  They have a tendency to be too agreeable.  I need a man who is going to challenge me mentally or who is at least interesting enough to keep me interested.”

Cindy – “I have found that guys who lack confidence are more attracted to difficult women who give them a hard way to go.  They shy away from women who are as “nice” as they are.  They view them as boring.  Actually to be without some zing to your personality can be boring.”

Debbie – “Guys who are ‘too nice’ are seldom attractive or believe they are.  Many seem to feel that they have to become slaves to merit a woman’s affection.  Every little wish becomes their command, which they think adds to their likeability, but in actuality it doesn’t.”

Joan – “These men have a tendency to display a lack of manly skills when it comes to dating a woman.  I think there should be charm school for guys who lack self confidence, where they can learn what women like and don’t like, and perhaps learn some pointers on what men should and should not do to please a woman.”

After interviewing these women, I understood, why most of my relationships, (before my transformation) had ended against my wishes.  I was a nice guy who called regularly, sent flowers just because, and I wore my feelings on my sleeve.  When I met someone I liked, I became rock steady and devoted to what we were doing.  I showed up and on time.  I aimed high to please and put my money where my affections were.  But when I stopped, things changed.

I would take a number, and wait a week before I call.  (I used to call the same night)  When I did call, I was nonchalant and non-committal.  My eagerness was no longer apparent, because it had rolled over and died at the end of the last rejection I’d gotten.  I had gone to pick up my date with roses in my hand, and when I rang her doorbell, she informed me over the intercom that her ex-husband had shown up unexpectedly and she had to cancel our date.

After that, I began taking lessons from my cousin, whose phone never stops ringing, and in an instant I began reaping the benefits.  The first time a woman called and wanted to know why she hadn’t heard from me, I couldn’t stop laughing.  It felt good to be pursued for a change.  My uncle was right.  Nice Guys Finish Last.

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