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22 Things

That Make You

Super Boring

by Edward Lamberto

1.      Popular Topic:  Be sure to discuss in detail  your dreams with someone who wasn’t in them.

2.     Family Input:  You must put your small kids on the phone whenever someone calls you.

3.      Selfie I:  Tell a “me” story and be sure to include every single detail.  Leave out nothing.

4.      Fake It:  Have no sense of humor, and pretend to be nicer than you really are.  In order to do this, you must be able to fake interest, fake sincerity and fake a smile.

5.      Selfie 2:  In conversation, be sure to revolve all discussion around you, and show no interest in what the other person is saying.  The best way to accomplish this is to not wait until they finish talking, grab the opportunity to switch the attention to you and immediately use the breath break to make your point.

6.       Selfie 3:  At a moment’s notice, be prepared to go on and on about your personal problems, and don’t come up for air.

7.       Scrutinize:  Be critical to the extreme.  Look carefully at everyone and everything, so you don’t miss nothing, and then speak about it in a degrading way to all who’ll listen.

8.       The Overwhelm Rule:  Let no one get a word in edgewise.  Make it quite evident that your opinion is the only one that counts and worth listening to..

9.        Selfie 4:  Be sure to point out who’s jealous of you every chance you get, and mention them by name.

10.     Greet Etiquette:  Also, whenever anyone greets you in public, be sure to give a lengthy update on your latest afflictions, children’s accomplishments and recent personal accolades and honors.

11.      Pillow Talk:  Be sure to discuss indiscriminately and indiscreetly all of your sexual exploits and those you’ve been made privy to.  Don’t forget to name names.

12.     The Perfect Pose:  Never allow anyone to point out where you may have erred and never admit when you’ve made a mistake.

13.     Selfie 5:  Blame others for your problems and tell all who’ll listen.

14.      Be A Know It All:  In order to do this, you must have been everywhere and seen everything, and therefore nothing impresses you.

15.     Selfie 6:  Point out continuously how you’ve been wronged and taken advantage of by others, and how unappreciated you are in general.

16.     Zinger Skill:  Make sure all of your “witty” comments are put-downs.  Say things only for shock value, and if someone reacts, be sure to explain that you were just joking.

17.     The Repetition Rule:   Repeat yourself repeatedly.  Say what you got to say, and then say it over and over again.

18.     Selfie 7:  Complain constantly about all the little things that bother or irritate you.  Make a habit to announce regularly who and what you don’t like.

19.      The Ego Edge:  Push to the front.  Do everything you can to be heard, seen and acknowledged first.

20.     The Loyalty Law:  Be loyal to no one.  Keep no secrets.  Give everyone equal opportunity to be betrayed, maligned and exposed.

21.      Selfie 8:  Become known as thin-skinned.  Be sure to dish out what you can’t take, and speak whatever comes to mind.  Use your own standard for what’s proper and what’s not.

22.      Selfie 9:  Brag, brag, brag.  Make sure everyone in hearing distance understands how important you are, while you mentioning all the important people you know.

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