You know it's over when the text messages are no longer cute and sexy.

You Know

It’s Over

When…

And What To
Do About It.

by Janice Pitts

Sometimes when a relationship is nurtured and enjoyed for a long period, having grown into something that is perceived as “worthwhile and special,” it is difficult to admit to and accept any negative changes in that relationship.

It is quite natural for one to wish to continue with a relationship that is bringing pleasure, fulfillment and a sense of well being. But what happens when things start to get strange? What do you do when he/she is clearly less enamored of you than they used to be?

You know it's over when you're lying awake worried about the relationship and he's sound asleep.

Take the case of Kim. Her relationship with Anthony was all she had ever dreamed of for a three year period. Toward the end of that period, things began to change.  Anthony’s calls to Kim became less frequent.   Their dates became fewer and fewer.   When they were together, it was obvious that Anthony’s interest was waning, because throughout the evening he would steal glances at his watch.   His general attitude was one of preoccupation with something (or someone) else, and more often than not, there hung between them long moments of awkward silence.   In short, something was wrong!

Kim made futile attempts to encourage Anthony to communicate his feelings, but it didn’t work.   The more she prodded him, the more he seemed to withdraw.   Kim felt alone and hurt.   She considered her options.

OPTION A

She could continue unrelentingly to push Anthony for answers; question his every mood and action; insist that he provide explanations to assuage her feelings of aloneness and hurt, and generally make him miserable with her interrogative attitude.

PROBABLE RESULT

Kim, having firmly established the fact that she wants desperately to continue the relationship (while he is sending obvious signals that he does not), would create the worst possible scenario for a dying relationship.   She would cast herself in the role of “beggar” by assuming the position of pleading and scratching with bloodied nails for something that had obviously drifted beyond her reach.

Once this type of adverse situation is allowed to evolve, the chances of it ever returning to its original state are reduced to nearly zero.   Kim could lose confidence in herself within her social circle, and in the workplace.   Her subservience to the failing relationship and failure to loosen her frantic grip on it could drag her already low self-esteem down to no self-esteem, a level to which too many women allow themselves to slide.

OPTION B

Kim could communicate to Anthony in clear and certain terms her desire to continue in the relationship, but only if his behavior changes to suit her needs.   Once said, she ceases applying pressuring techniques and allows him ample space and time to come around.

PROBABLE RESULTS

Before too much time elapses, it will become evident as to whether or not he wishes to continue in the relationship.   His reaction may come verbally, through his actions alone, or by way of both actions and words.   However, she must be able to identify and not be confused by mixed messages.

1. Anthony may verbally declare that he is no longer interested (though this reaction is an extremely rare one).
2. He may vehemently deny that anything is wrong while continuing right along with his unpleasant behavior (i.e., failing to call at promised times, being a ‘no-show’ for a date, exhibiting a lack of interest in her, etc.)
3. Or…He may simply just not come around anymore.   Since silence can be perceived as a form of communication, in this case the silence must be interpreted as Anthony’s way of saying, “I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore.”

With this option, Kim retains her self-respect by not having groveled for attention at Anthony’s feet.   Though her heart may bear some bruises from the unfortunate experience, she has not allowed her love for Anthony to transform her into a “sad figure of a woman.   However painful, she had the common sense to know when to let go, and more importantly, she has exited from a negative situation with her integrity still firmly intact.