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Bonita’s Blog

They Call
It Love…

by Bonita Bennett

Today’s news was filled the shocker that actor Nicolas Cage is seeking to annul his marriage after 4 days.  It happens.  A friend sought to have hers annulled eight days after marrying a guy who tried to strangle her on the night of their engagement party. She thought marriage would “calm him down.”   I personally know a number of women, who have enviable lifestyles, but deep down they feel life ain’t worth living without a man.  To some, being in love, or connected romantically to another is the pinnacle of living. It seems that a large number of women hope, scheme, pray and pine for the opportunity to walk down the aisle as a bride, though the “signs” are posted everywhere in their relationships that they should be running in the opposite direction.

I know too many women who have married lovers, after suffering physical and emotional abuse as their girlfriends, because marriage is seen as the ultimate win in the “game of love acrobatics,” and the glory of the win often far exceeds the prospect of doom.

Unfortunately, today’s path of romance is becoming more and more cluttered with the sad and unhappy faces of those involved in relationships where incompatibility and emotional drought reign.  Too many of these same people are immobilized to leave for greener pastures for fear of being alone again and looking.

If you are in a “love” relationship where they is no passion or a sincere admiration for one another, then most likely you’re with the wrong person.  In a relationship, feelings like shoes on our feet should be in sync.  When a shoe doesn’t fit, we don’t try to force it, and this same rule should apply to relationships, but too often it doesn’t.  Therefore, many times, we end up sacrificing the “intelligent fit” for the “connected feelings” we experience by being with someone, even though the affection may be sporadic or disingenuous.

Ironically, usually when there’s an incompatibility between men and women, it is often, (not always) visible at the beginning of the relationship.  This observation can be easily glossed over by sex appeal, one’s state of loneliness, social status or one’s inability to see through the veneer of the chemistry.  Another friend went on a blind date on a Sunday afternoon with a prominent handsome attorney, whose breath reeked of alcohol.  When she mentioned it to him, he explained that he had just come from church where they’d had communion, and she accepted it, because she perceived him as a good catch.  They began dating, and of course, she lived to regret it, after he got drunk one night and flattened all the tires on her car because she wouldn’t let him in.

In addition, there are those who suffer from the “intimacy vacuum,’ where they become physically engaged before friendship or a commitment is even on the table, and it is a heartfelt desire.  I know a number of singles who are in dead-end relationships, where they want more, but can’t get more, because they think it’s far more socially acceptable

to be viewed as part of a couple than to be seen as alone.  It is a common thing for singles to discover after numerous intimate encounters with the wrong person, that the initial appeal factors often become muted in the glaring lights of incompatibility.

It should be that the basis for love and companionship in one’s life is to truly enjoy another person’s presence, for solid intelligent reasons, which encompasses your desires and your values.  However, there are still too many who hang on tragically to those whom they should let go.  Some years ago, I worked with a woman, who inexplicably clung to a man who abused her both verbally and physically in public, and she would never press charges against him.  She called it love, and when he eventually killed her…he called it love.

Therefore, if you find yourself in a relationship where your love is not being returned. Forego the pity party, where you spend the time feeling sorry for yourself, and waiting for things to change.  Pack up your emotional suitcase with all your desires in it, and put yourself in the position to be ready and open to meet that certain someone who can satisfy your needs mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  The only thing this requires you to do is to take a stand for your own happiness.  You can do it…it only takes a little guts, some self-esteem and an appetite for adventure.

Bonita Bennett, founder, publisher  Of Being Single Magazine and a former TV/radio personality, is the author of  the books “How To Catch & Keep The Man Of Your Dreams,”  and The Coming Of Dawn.  She is also a nationally recognized life coach/relationship expert, and noted motivational speaker, whose life-changing counseling techniques, classes and innovative workshops on life-skills, inter-personal relationships, conflict management, and problem solving are well-known in her field.  Bonita Bennett is also the editor-in-chief of Being Single Magazine.   Be sure to get your copy of  her two books…Meanwhile, read the  excerpts from the mystery novel…The Coming Of Dawn and How To Catch & Keep The Man Of Your Dreams

 

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