You’ve Just Met …
How To Tell
by William July, II
When I first met my cousin’s new boyfriend, I knew he was a phony. (Another man can usually spot the tell-tale signs on another man.) But my cousin was in seventh heaven with her head in the clouds. He couldn’t look anybody in the eye at the family holiday gathering, and my elderly uncle, who is known for his embarrassingly acid tongue told her point-blank that the guy was “good-looking, but didn’t look trustworthy.”
She laughed, dismissed her uncle’s observations, and began bragging about his latest accomplishments, his gorgeous home, his new Lincoln Navigator, and his love for her.
Three months later, I learned from another cousin that “the gorgeous home” belonged to the woman he lived with, who was on a two-month work assignment in Ecuador, and the car was also hers. My cousin was so depressed when she learned this information that she had to take a week off from work and couldn’t get out of bed. She stayed in bed for six days and food had to be shipped in.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time she’d been dumped in this fashion, and unless she changes her mode of operation when it comes to men, it won’t be her last.
Here are a few things that I’d like for women to think about before they fall in love with the next guy, who may prove to be a heart-wrecker and a soul-stainer. Check him out…but check yourself first.
What kind of men are you drawing to yourself? That’s right, what kind of men are you sending out signals for? Do you say “I want a good man” and then go dog catching? Sure, undesirable men are always going to come your way now and then. But generally, we control who we meet by what we outwardly project. Most certainly, you’re in control of who you give your phone number to and who you date. Here are 6 ways to tell..
- Straight talk instead of sweet talk – Good guys don’t spend all of their time and energy developing cute pickup lines. Real guys are more prone to have a straight conversation. That doesn’t mean boring. They’re just less likely to have less clever wordplay because while the pretty profilers are developing pick-up lines, the good guys are busy with real life. And if your idea of Mr. Right starts with someone having “game” and pick-up lines, you need to check yourself and ask yourself what kind of man you’re looking for or consider what kind of games are you playing?
- Read the warning signs – This is critical. Don’t get so swept away in the euphoria of infatuation that you don’t recognize red flags. Many women who claim to have been dumped by men faking to be Mr. Right later admit that they didn’t read the signs along the way. Granted, hindsight is perfect, we have to take a moment to step back during the whirlwind romance to assess things. Infatuation is not love. Before you declare, “this is the one, I’m in love” you need to get down to the serious business of getting to know the person and what they’re all about. Watch for frequent temper flare-ups or tantrums, excessive jealousy, possessiveness, greed, laziness, preoccupation with sex, preoccupation with material things, chronic unavailability, and lack of respect for women or a nagging general feeling that “something just isn’t right.”
- Get identification verification – Today, this one should be self-explanatory. A man whom you can only reach by pager, mobile phone, or voice mail may have some explaining to do. Granted he may be busy working. But before you venture into dating or Loveland, shouldn’t you know his home phone number and where he lives? Perhaps even jot down his license plate number. Leave this information with a trusted friend, or an easily found place in your home, for your safety.
- Arrange to see him at various times – A relationship doesn’t only consist of a series of hot moonlight encounters. If the only time a man has for you is always after 10 p.m. and he always has to leave a few hours later, you need to examine what it is that he really wants (or what you really want) from your association with him. Sure, in fairness to men, he may have an odd work schedule or a full agenda. But we make time for what’s important to us.
- If you’re really in doubt, check him out – Sound extreme? I don’t think so. Even the best judge of character can be fooled. As a former cop, I can tell you that there are some people who can lie and fake with talent. And they have all the fake identification to do it. Though your intuition is important, you can’t always rely on it. Many investigation services now provide basic investigations for singles that want to check out someone they are dating or involved with. Basic investigations include criminal history, driving records, credit history, marital status, education verification, and marital history, etc. For a larger fee, the investigations can become more detailed. But remember, this isn’t a game of Magnum P.I. Don’t peer into a man’s background and personal life unless you’re serious about him. And be prepared for the answers. You might also consider what you will do with the information. What if you find out he’s not who you thought? How will you handle it emotionally as well as in how you deal with him. This could be difficult, possibly even dangerous in some cases.
- Listen to good counsel – Good levelheaded friends and family know you better than anybody else. Listen to their opinions. Never cut yourself off from them or hide what’s going on. They may be able to sight things you can’t see in a person because you’re swept in infatuation. But remember, I’m talking about good level headed people, not jealous people, messy girlfriends, or people who need help themselves.
Does this list guarantee that you’ll never meet another dud? Absolutely not! But it does give women some realistic advice on separating the good men from the bad boys. As a man, I know the games the men play. But having said that, I know plenty of good men who want to meet good women. Good guys are out there. But to find them, women must be aware of the things in the list above as well as being honest with themselves as to what they’re really looking for in a man.