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Dating Data

Do You Have “The

BackBone Blues?”

by Kate Taylor

Do You Have The BackBone Blues? The most common reason for having too-soon sex in a relationship is out of fear that if you don’t, your boyfriend will get bored and find someone else.  That fear comes from Brittle Backbone Disease.  This is an epidemic that is sweeping the country among single twenty-and thirty-something females and can tragically go undetected for years.  But you can do a simple at-home test to see if you’re at risk.

The BackBone Blues Diagnostic Screening – Could any of these 10 statements apply to you?…

  1. You have sent flowers to a guy who wasn’t in a coffin about to be buried.
  2. You often feel a slight sense of resentment that guys never do as many thoughtful and/or romantic things for you as you do for them.
  3. When you ask a guy “Where is this going?” you’re not usually talking about the car.
  4. You believe in reciprocity, and don’t mind going Dutch on dates.
  5. You accept Booty Calls.
  6. You have done late-night drive-bys past a guy’s house.
  7. You have baked for a male to whom you did not actually give birth. 
  8. You have tidied up a guy’s house – where you do not also reside – without being asked.
  9. During that ad hoc cleaning session, you looked through his photograph albums or read letters in his private collection that weren’t sent from you.  Later, you mentioned doing this to him.
  10. You have watched a guy play sports more than twice in the rain and he hadn’t actually asked you to come.

Why It’s Not Nice To Be Nice – I know that “nice” sounds like a lovely thing to be in a relationship.  It’s like, “yes, I’m nice.  And you’re right that being sweet and charming and kind is lovely in relationships.  But often, being “nice” actually means, “I’m going to give and give until you realize how much I adore you.”  Is this a good dating strategy?  Nope.  Why not?  Because it doesn’t work.

When you give a lot, you’re sending the message that you don’t really feel you’re lovable on your own.  You, just you – unencumbered with romantic cards, presents, or a Japanese sexual technique involving back-flips – are not worthy of being adored, so you make up for the shortfall by adorning yourself with extra stuff.  This is a terrible thing to think, and a terrible thing to allow others to think about you.

Also, it’s relatively easy to get into the habit of “giving to receive.”  This is when you send someone a present because you would actually like to receive a present from them.  You think, “Well, I’ll go first – I’ll send him a sweet card and then he’ll realize I’m a sweet-card kind of girl, and then he’ll send me sweet cards.”  Do you see what I mean?  In order to kick-start the romantic presents, you make the first move.  But this doesn’t work either.  In the end, all that happens is that you feel resentful, lonely, and you run out of stamps.

This resentment will build until you either end the relationship or ditch the too-niceties and get into the habit of only giving back.  This sends a much better message.  It says, “I’m nice to you when you’re nice to me,” which is a good way of ensuring a man keeps treating you well.

Of course, you can give in relationships, but I don’t recommend it in the beginning.  You don’t need to in the beginning.  It’s a waste of your time.  At the start of relationships, a guy is all geared up to try to impress you.  When you jump in there and start trying to impress him instead, usually he stops his pursuit.

Excerpted from the book, Not Tonight, Mr. Right – The Best (Don’t Get) Laid Plans for Finding and Marrying The Man of Your Dreams.

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