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What Women Should Know

That Men Can’t Tell Them

by William July, II

How Hidden Lovers Hide In Relationships

The first fact to realize about a hidden lover, is that he is a man in a committed relationship- that is, a marriage, a long-term relationship, or even a serious dating relationship.  A hidden lover is a man who’s made a commitment, at least on the surface.  Yet inside, he’s still tentative about connecting himself to the woman he loves.  In essence, he’s hiding within himself while in a relationship, and that invariably leads to problems.

Hidden Lovers use three methods to hide within relationships.  First, they close themselves off, second, they back away from the relationship, using space and time as a shield; or third, they do a disappearing act.  Why would a man say he wants to be in a close and intimate relationship and then close off, back away or even just disappear?  It seems illogical, but, every day, hidden lovers do it.

When it comes to the hidden lover disappearing into hiding, there are basically two reasons.  First, though he was initially attracted to the idea of having a relationship, he now feels overwhelmed by it.  Second, he has unresolved issues he’s dealing with that were triggered by the relationship.  Disappearing acts of hidden lovers could range from a guy suddenly becoming aloof during a serious dating relationship, or just outright disappearing, to more complex situations in which men in long-term relationships or marriage become closed off or emotionally inactive.

Here is an example of a hidden lover in hiding.


Consider the dating situation of Ron and Marie.  Ron was a tall, dark, and handsome man who played college basketball.  Marie was an attractive woman with a svelte body, long beautiful legs and a cheerful attitude.  She worked in the same office building as Ron, but in a different firm.  Every morning she would see Ron in the deli sitting alone drinking coffee and perusing through the paper.  He didn’t look as though he was concentrating very hard and many times she thought about boldly going over to talk to him.  What do I have to lose, she figured.  Marie had been divorced for two years and noticed Ron didn’t have a ring on his finger.

Yet, for a different reason every day she never made a move on Ron.  Then one day, as Fate would have it, she was running late.  She stopped in to the deli to grab a cappuccino-to-go.  She paid the cashier, grabbed her coffee, and turned quickly to head out, but as she turned, she crashed into a tall, dark handsome man, spilling coffee all over what was obviously not a cheap suit.  As the coffee dripped down to his shiny shoes, she looked into his face.  At that moment she was smitten.  Ron was even more handsome up close than he was from a distance.  He had dimples and innocent eyes.

The incident ended with Marie dabbing Ron’s suit with a napkin and Ron using the situation to make a love connection with the attractive thirty-something woman he’d just had the fortune to bump into.  Within ten minutes, they went from a pedestrian accident to smiles and giggles, to exchanging phone numbers and setting a lunch date.

Fast-forward three months.  Lunch dates, dinners, and weekends in the park had become the norm for Ron and Marie.  Every morning, they’d try to meet for coffee.  Every afternoon, they had lunch together at one of the restaurants in the area.  On Fridays, they’d sneak away for a long lunch at a little bistro by the lake.  After lunch they’d walk and hold hands, sneaking kisses in the rose garden.

 Everything couldn’t be better, right?


One Monday morning, Ron didn’t show up for their usual coffee.  That was okay because sometimes one of them got busy and couldn’t make it.  Marie figured she’d see him at lunch.  Lunchtime came.  No Ron.  She called and left a couple of messages on his voice mail and one at his home number, but by late afternoon he hadn’t returned them.  Marie didn’t hear from Ron all day.

Marie started to worry.  Maybe something had happened to Ron.  It wasn’t like him not to show up for their regular lunch date.  It wasn’t like him not to call.  He was always such a gentleman.  Yet, in the back of her mind, she couldn’t help but wonder if Ron could be trying to give her the brush-off.  But she couldn’t run with that thought.  It just didn’t make sense.  After three months of constant time with Ron, she felt she at least knew that he was too into her to just suddenly give her the brush-off.

After Ron missed lunch again on Tuesday and still hadn’t called, Marie had had enough.  She went down a few floors to Ron’s office.  By now, the receptionist knew her so well that she waved her on through.  Marie went to Ron’s office and opened the door; he smiled as though nothing was wrong.

            “Ron, where have you been.  I’ve been worried about you!”

            Ron responded slowly.  “I’ve been here…I just felt like doing something different today.”

            “But why didn’t you call and tell me that.  We could’ve done something different.  And what about yesterday?”

            “I didn’t call you because I’m not sure what I wanted to say.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “Marie…I really care for you.  But I’ve been thinking a lot and I don’t know if I’m ready for…”  Ron hesitated.  “I mean…”  More hesitation.  “What I’m trying to say is-“”

            “Well, I guess I’m just not ready to get any more serious than we are.  I think we should just keep dating, but not get too serious about everything.  I do want to keep seeing you, just not every day.”

            “Why have you been saying that you’ve been looking for a woman like me all your life and that you wanted to do more than just date?  You said you wanted a relationship, Ron!  How can we just go backward all of a sudden?”

            Ron paused.  “I know I did.  But I guess now I just want to be involved, but not too involved.”

Marie’s face revealed her total shock.  Her budding relationship with Ron had disappeared suddenly and for no apparent reason.  What Ron was saying didn’t even sound logical.  Did he even believe what he was saying?

Marie was hurt beyond words.  She felt betrayed and stupid for falling for him so deeply, only for him to turn out to be just like all the rest.  Could she even trust her judgment anymore?  Here she was with another grown man who was all hot and heavy in the beginning and suddenly afraid of his own shadow when things started getting intimate.  She was really tired of this same old thing with men.  “Never mind, Ron.  Don’t explain.  And don’t bother to call me anymore.”

Marie wanted to cry.  But being a respected woman with an executive position in that same building, she held back the tears.  She wanted to slam Ron’s office door so hard that the pictures would fall off the wall, but she didn’t.  She simply closed the door to his office, gathered her composure, and walked out.

Sounds crazy, right?  Just when things seem that they could get no better, Ron has withdrawn from the relationship.  What happened?  Was it something she said or did?  Is there someone else?  Is Ron getting cold feet?  Did he just want sex?  Sometimes the reason can’t be explained.

Excerpted from the book, The Hidden Lover, by William July.  Available on Amazon.com.

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