Why Your Love Life
Sucks And What You
Can Do About It
by Alan Cohen
Sharon is a thirty-eight-year-old advertising executive with a lot going for her. Attractive and savvy, she enjoys a substantial income, a gracious home, stimulating friends, and she has lots of men interested in her. Yet, Sharon had an Achilles heel that kept her from connecting with quality men-she felt desperate. Desperate for a man, desperate for a relationship, and desperate to have a child while she still could. Consequently, emotionally unhealthy men would find Sharon and generate dramas that sent her fleeing. To make matters worse, Sharon would get hung up on first dates trying to decide if this man would be a good father to her future children.
In coaching, I encouraged Sharon to recognize her beauty, power, and worth to attract a relationship out of choice, not desperation. I also pointed out that her frantic desire to have a child was distracting her from seeing potential partners clearly and growing a relationship naturally.
Overtime, Sharon began to recognize her wholeness, and she let go of needing someone to validate her. Before long she met a good man and created a rewarding relationship. Then, as Sharon began to relax and play more, her obsession to immediately have a child dissipated. Sharon might still have a child, but if she does, it (like her relationship) will be because she wants to, not because she has to.
People who feel desperate do desperate things and create desperate results. You are not desperate. Desperation is an interpretation, not a fact. Trace your desperate thoughts and feelings back to their source-a sense of fear, lack, unworthiness, or powerlessness. Then, as you recognize that you are bigger and stronger than these oppressive notions, you will become aware of healthy, viable options you could not see when you were provoked by belief in emptiness.
A Desperation Inventory
Answering the following questions will help you assess where you stand on the desperation scale:
- Do you go along with distasteful dating choices because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t?
- Do you feel an urgency to find a partner quickly before you get older and less attractive?
- Are you concerned that others will think less of you because you do not have a partner?
- Do you believe that if someone knew the whole truth about you, they would not like or want you?
- Do you go out with people because you do not want to stay home alone?
- Do you put up with physical, emotional, or verbal abuse because you fear that your partner would leave you if you confronted him?
- Do you go from one relationship to another with little or no time in between?
- Are you considering marrying someone because you are afraid no one else will come along?
- Does your desire to have a child blind you to red flags in a relationship?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, consider the following: How would you be acting differently if you believed in yourself more? If you knew that you are okay as you are, where you are, what new dating or relationship choices would you make? To whom would you gravitate? Who and what would you let go of? Can you love yourself enough that you don’t need someone else to approve of you? What would a confident person do in this situation?
Excerpted from the book, Don’t Get Lucky…Get Smart! Why Your Love Life Sucks And What You Can Do About It!