by Jennifer Brown Banks
In many of the conversations I’ve had with men, it seems that women also bear the burden of doing foolish things that undermine relationship success and further frustrate the search for a good man. Here’s what some of us are doing wrong.
1. Trying To Buy Love – “Fat girls buy nice gifts.” This proclamation came from a defendant who had been taken to court by an ex-lover scorned, when asked by the judge why he had become involved with her in the first place. (I’m a big fan of T.V. Courtroom programs. Besides being entertaining, it’s a great way to understand the dynamics of the legal system as well as human behavior.) Every week, without fail, some poor female soul can be found dragging a guy to court to reclaim her cash and her dignity. Not just “fat girls,” but women from all walks of life, all educational levels, all races and age groups. Damsels in distress, who have lost thousands of dollars through credit card purchases, cash payouts, and other acts of desperation to catch and keep a man. One litigant was devastated because some smooth talker had swindled her out of $4000.00 in four months. Ladies, giving money and gifts to get a guy is a surefire way to set yourself up to be broke and by yourself. If hard times happen to descend upon the guy you’re dealing with, and you feel compelled to help out with a loan (also not a good idea), be sure to get everything in writing or prepare to kiss your assets goodbye! Can you say buyer’s remorse?
2. Not Having Self-Love – It’s virtually impossible to give what you don’t have. Positive self-esteem prevents insecurity, clinging, paranoia, jealousy and poor decisions. It also draws quality people to you. Men have inner radar that can detect poor self-esteem like a dog can detect fear. Therfore, if you’re not careful, it can increase your vulnerability when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex.
3. Confusing Sex for Love – Another big relationship blunder is thinking that having sex will solidify the relationship or make him commit. Far too few females fail to recognize that physical expressions are more recreational than emotional for guys (unless they’re in love).
4. Being Bitter – I don’t care how good you look, you could be a dead ringer for Halle Berry, but if you carry too much emotional baggage, blame Peter for the sins of Paul, or constantly make disparaging comments about men, you’ll find yourself running guys away. The best revenge, as they say, is a good life. If you’ve been hurt by love (and who hasn’t?) commit yourself to being better, not bitter. Consider it their loss and your lesson. Move on. I always love it when I run into an ex (who dumped me) and they comment on how good I look and how happy I seem, as they verbally wonder why I haven’t called.
5. Being a Drama Queen! – Theatrics and public scenes are best displayed on stage, not in a relationship.
6. Competing For His Affections – In another form of desperation, some females are putting their legs up to “get a leg up” on the competition. Feeling that being easy and available will give them the coveted edge. Not to mention, quite a few feel that it is necessary to be cutthroat and scheming when it comes to men. These actions only insure a listing in his little black book. If you’re looking for a quality mate, one to experience some longevity with, appeal to his heart not his hormones.
7. Cute Can’t Compensate For Lack of Character – This is self explanatory.
8. Making Poor Relationship Choices – Whether it’s opting for glitter over substance, choosing “bad boys,” being intimate too soon, or man sharing, it’s the single most devastating thing we can do to separate us from the happiness we deserve.
9. Not Being Multi-Dimensional – While it is true that men are visual creatures by nature, they bore relatively easily if all you have to offer is how good you look. It behooves women to be diverse in their interests, to be good conversationalists, have a sense of humor, and at least be able to boil water. Sex has only so much staying power.
10. Confusing Combativeness For Strength – Too many of us are waging war with our men and being confrontational to demonstrate our toughness. Black women are notorious for it. The true measure of a woman’s strength is being able to weather the periodic relationship storms with mature dialogue and knowing when and how to gracefully compromise.