by Jane Chancellor
Well, we’re moving into that time of year when folks will be rushing to the altar to be pronounced as man and wife before the year is out. Unfortunately, too many will be estranged or divorced before the next year is out due to the blunders often made during the first twelve months. So, here’s a guide on some surefire ways to ruin your marriage before the anniversary date.
- Put a TV in the bedroom. (Always keep it on.) Whenever he tries to touch it, say, “give me a minute.”
- Comment on and criticize everything your husband says and does.
- Gain as much weight as you can. (Eat ½ gallon of ice cream each night just before going to sleep.) If you can, put a small refrigerator beside the bed – remember the one from college that’s sitting in your dad’s garage?
- Make sure you decorate the bedroom with little flowered sheets. Don’t let your husband have any say in the decorating of the bedroom. #1 Tip: Be sure to only leave your husband one drawer for his things and absolutely no closet space.
- Always ask your husband what he is thinking about. (This works best right in the middle of Monday Night Football or during the NBA Playoffs.) Insist on an answer right then and there.
- Always wear big old white cotton underwear – with the waist elastic unraveling. Be sure to strut around in them.
- Never wait until he gets home to eat dinner. Always eat first and only leave him a few corners in the pots on the stove. (Cold of course!)
- Always keep the house full of your girlfriends and male friends if available. Tell them they never have to call before stopping by and that they are welcome to sleep over at anytime.
- Be sure to call his job three or four times a day (just to check to see if he’s there).
- Tell him how much you hate his mother..
- Hate all of his friends and forbid any of them from coming to the house. Whenever they call, tell them that he is helping you wash clothes right now and cannot be disturbed. If they do insist on coming by, always sit right next to your husband and comment or interrupt on all of their conversation.
- Get really angry if he needs to see his children from a previous marriage or relationship. Make sure you scream at them if they ever come to your house.
- Throw out all of his old school pictures and school athletic sweaters and anything he cherishes for space sake.
- Always invade his privacy when he’s in the bathroom.