When He’s Not
Your Type – Rules
by Paul Kingsley
It has been my experience that most men and women have a hard time expressing their lack of interest in the opposite sex when they cannot return the sentiment. Instead of being frank, or diplomatic (this word only applies when one is pressed for “the proper response”) most of us stutter, stammer, or lie.
Example: A guy approaches a woman whom he finds attractive, and after making his interest known, makes the common request for a way to have future dialogue. (By the way, this example is in a social setting) He asks for the phone number. She, however, is not at all interested for whatever reason. Therefore, she doesn’t want to give him the number, but does she say just that? No…she doesn’t. Instead, she either gives him the real number, with the plan in hand to check the caller ID, or she gives him the wrong number. Why? Because she doesn’t know how to say, “I’m not interested” in a way that would be gracious or ego-soothing.
If it’s a wrong number, she has succeeded in responding to his interest or admiration with an insult…or if she gives him the right number, she’ll hope and pray he doesn’t call, and if he does, he will ultimately receive rejection through no response.
Studies show that there are huge numbers of women who give up their numbers regularly to guys who they wished hadn’t asked. Again, this is mostly done by those who lack the social skill needed to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, this inability to express one’s self often results in causing various forms of unnecessary discomfort to the person pursuing a relationship.
Inadvertently, when the truth is not told in a creative fashion, false hope is created which will be destroyed eventually as the pursuer presses on. I believe few women realize that a man’s ego is slapped tremendously when he is faced with unkind rejection. No one likes rejection well, but men handle it worse. Those who are subjected to the “false hope scenario,” usually experience a variety of feelings, some of which include humiliation and embarrassment. However, the development of the proper skills can solve this problem if one is sincerely interested in treating others the way he/she wants to be treated.
Take Cindy for example…Tom was one of Cindy’s computer customers, and he’d had a crush on Cindy for a long time. Cindy was aware of his interest, but could not reciprocate. Tom was nice, but he wasn’t her type. Finally, Tom gathered enough nerve to ask Cindy out. She realized Tom was shy and she was sensitive to the courage he had to muster to ask her for a date. So, she was careful to respond in a manner that was appropriate, yet effective. Her response to him… “Tom, how nice of you to ask me out. I’m genuinely flattered because I know you’re a guy who is very selective. But I’m very much involved.”
Tom smiled to hide his disappointment, but through her response, Cindy succeeded in convincing him that she was indeed the class act he suspected her to be. He didn’t feel rejected, hurt, or misled. He felt only regret that he wasn’t the lucky fellow.
The Book of Proverbs in the Bible, (24:6) reads, “It is an honor to receive a frank reply.” Everyone deserves an honest response to an earnest request, and if we could just remember to do unto others what we would have done to us, there would be less hostility between the sexes. A wise man once said that honesty with a touch of kindness can soften the hardest blow.