Point Of View: How Not To Say It’s Over

Point Of View:

How Not To Say It’s Over…

by Dani Stone

My sister knew it was over long before her guy said a word.  It was in his eyes when he couldn’t look at her anymore, and in his tone, when her voice was on the other end of the line.  But he couldn’t tell her.  At least…not with words.  He did what all cowards do.  He lied…..avoided her company, and sang the familiar tune of the runaway lover, “I’m just really busy right now.”  When she pressed for time, attention or some of the fire they once shared, he pretended to be fatigued, distracted by “problems”, or preoccupied with his “latest business project.”

After he stood her up three times in one week, she finally loosened the self-tied noose around her heart and told him it was over.  He shrugged as if relieved, and said he hoped they could remain friends.

The same thing happened to my friend Jill.  She had been involved with Trent for over a year, and the relationship had been basically good with few incidents of disrespect, disinterest or disregard. That is…until a month ago.   Suddenly, without warning, Trent became elusive, unavailable and non-communicative.  When she questioned him about the change in his manner and behavior, he made excuses and when she continued to press him, he became flustered and suddenly disappeared.

What happened?  Trent had met someone else whom he liked more than Jill.  He was in a state of fascination with another woman, and his mind was consumed with her, and only her.  He had completely lost interest in Jill, and their relationship, but didn’t know how to tell her.  Like most people who find themselves in this predicament, he was hoping his behavior would force Jill to take the appropriate steps to end the relationship on her own.  But instead, Jill kept calling and pushing for an answer, and Trent’s cowardice reared its ugly head, and he ended up leaving the scene without a word.

When relationships start out with intensity, expressions of love, affection and attention to detail, it’s hard to comprehend how these feelings can melt away into nothing…and oddly enough, oftentimes from the person who initiated the relationship.

But it happens, and too often when it happens, the rejected party goes away feeling less than, and it’s usually because they weren’t as protective about their feelings as they should have been.

I’ve observed too many relationships where the party who ended up getting wounded had plunged headlong into the relationship before feelings were established or what I call “mutualized.”  Such was the case with Cheryl who insisted on “being in love” when it was clear from the onset that this guy was feeling his way, and not sure of what he wanted.

In the beginning, it seemed he liked her and was interested in getting to know her better, but she was “in love” after the third date, and jumping through all kinds of competitive hoops to prove it to him.  However, in the end, she failed to get what she wanted, because he couldn’t give it to her, and he backed away in accordance with the level of his relationship skills, which was zero.

I remember once being seriously infatuated with a gorgeous guy who only liked me casually.  However, I imagined that any attention from him was tantamount to winning the lottery and I would sit salivating for his phone calls..  Then one day, (because his skills level was high) he sat me down and gave me the “fairness” speech…though he enjoyed me, we weren’t really compatible, and that he didn’t think it was fair to me for us to continue to date.   

After that talk, I walked away feeling disappointed, but not heartbroken.  Though I was very involved emotionally, I had not tainted my soul by laying my emotions bare before him, and I still felt special to him as a person.  Instead of feeling discarded, I felt spared and protected.

When one party no longer feels what the other party feels in a relationship, backing off without communication isn’t fair.  One should verbally communicate his/her intentions without necessarily being explicit as to why.  Frankly, I don’t want to hear about his engagement to someone else, or my failure to meet his unspoken standards.

I believe most people just want to hear a truth that shows compassion, respect, and genuine care.  However, I also believe that we all have a personal responsibility to not put ourselves in harm’s way by taking the time to analyze and investigate enough to be sure we’re not entrusting our feelings to an undeserving soul. Hence, though it may end before one person wants it to, the wounded party can still walk away with some dignity.