10 Signs He/She Is Not “The One”

10 Signs He/She

Is Not ‘The One“

by Karen Salmansohn

Recently, I read this fascinating article on evil in The New York Times and it reminded me of an ex-boyfriend. The article highlighted what it called the Psychopath Checklist—a helpful list that criminal psychiatrists use to determine whether someone could be a hardcore psychopath capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.

Guess which traits psychopaths share, glibness, extreme charm, feelings of high self-worth,  pathological lying, being prone to boredom, and emotional unavailability. All these adjectives reminded me a lot of a recent ex-boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, cocky guy-but in fact turned out to be a lying cheater.

The lesson to be learned: The most important trait to look for in a partner is not sexiness, or an entertaining personality—but good, strong character values.

The person you want is the authentic person — the one without all the fake moves—the one who will be there for you in ordinary times and bad times, not just in romantic times… that is, if the individual’s character is up for it. And how do you figure out if a prospective mate’s character is up for it? Answer the following questions honestly, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time by avoiding the wrong partner.

1. Is your date kind, respectful, and appropriately generous to waiters/waitresses, bus drivers, postal clerks, etc?

2.  Has your sweetie confessed to any immoral behavior: Cheating, stealing, lying, inappropriate aggression?  If so, how much reflection on this and desire to change has this person shown since?

3.   Does the person you’re dating have any addictions:  Drinking, gambling, shopping?  Does he/she want to change—and is he or she working to make change happen?

4.   Does your honey have a lot of lasting friendships—or hardly any?

5.   Does your date always tell stories about bad dynamics he/she experiences with others?  Or does he/she seem to get along easily, even swimmingly, with others?

6.   Does your sweetie comment on news stories with a sense of empathy and awareness, or is he/she low on expressing compassion for all that is going on in this world?

7.    Have you ever witnessed your date doing small acts of kindness (leaving a very big tip for no reason, helping someone with his or her shopping bags)?

8.   Does this person donate time, money, and energy to good causes/charity?

9.   Does your honey value self-growth—and show this by being open to hearing your gripes and accepting responsibility for problems when merited, and sharing with you how much he/she values learning lessons in life?

10.  Does your sweetie truly value open communication and the know-how to listen?  When you need nurturing, does this person deal with the problem at the speed of life…or shut down/stonewall/attack/condescend?  Basically, a relationship will survive not based on how well you get along, but on how well you don’t get along.  A couple is only as “strong” as to how well the individuals can deal with their weakest moments together.

Now that you know these 10 key criteria, you can focus on dating people with true keep or potential … those who, if you invest in them, will pay you back with a lifetime of rock-solid love.

Karen Salmansohn is a life coach and best-selling author of 27 books, including Even God Is Single.