For A Relationship?
by Nicco Micco
December 28, 2017
Step #4. Get out a fresh sheet of paper and again divide it into three columns. In the first section, list all of the disqualifying descriptions from the previous exercise. Then, in the center column list the opposite, positive trait that you’d need from a long-term love. Example: Define the characteristic that you desire in a partner. Maybe it’s “respectful of my feelings, perhaps it’s “altruistic and caring.” In the third and final column, list people in your life who possessed these positive traits. (They don’t need to be romantic relations; include family, friends and co-workers, too.) Now, summarize your findings: “I want a man/woman who is (positive trait) like (person’s name who fit this trait).” Do this for all your traits, and focus on finding someone with these qualities. Where would this kind of person be hanging out? Can my friends, relatives or a dating site help me meet this kind of person? Here’s why this exercise works so well: “The main shift from fun to long-term has to do with compatibility,” says Jain. This exercise not only forces you to define the values and qualities most important in a partner, but also asks you to develop a game-plan for seeking and relating to people with great potential.
Step #5 – Edit your attitude.
- A few miserable mismatches can convince you that “all the good ones are taken.” Accurate assessment? We think not! You need to prevent your dating frustrations from sabotaging your success,” says Tonja Evetts Weimer. Carry a blank note card for one week. When a “downer” dating thought (ie., “I’m the only one out there looking to meet someone” or “Everyone my age is married with kids”) enters your mind, jot it down on the card.
- At week’s end, examine the negative thoughts you’ve recorded. Then, one by one, revise them – in writing. Sample revisions: “There are 101 million single people in the United States and I need to explore different approaches to meet the right one for me.” Or, “Everyone I have met is married with kids. I need to make an effort to meet new friends who are single and up to going out on Saturday nights.”
- Define alternative approaches for reaching your goal. Example: “I will tell two friends that I’m looking to expand my social circle.”
- Refer to your card any time self-defeating thoughts about dating surface. Your plan is to infuse yourself – this fall and beyond – with a positive attitude toward dating. A negative thought holds you back, because you’ll view situations in ways that validate your beliefs. The only single people in my town are losers,” then you are bound to find fault in every person you do meet. What’s more, left to fester, a negative attitude can turn you on to someone who’s not so fun to be around. On the other hand, keeping an open mind about the process can lead to more positive, proactive behavior, and maybe possibly the perfect match before the year is out.