The Dilemma – When Your Relationship Is At A Crossroad

The Dilemma

When Your Relationship

Is At A Crossroad

by William July

Today’s dating relationships often seem to cycle through the stages so quickly that people often don’t know where they stand.  It’s not unusual for one of the members of the couple to think they’re dating exclusively, or even moving toward marriage.  Meanwhile, the other member of the couple is under the impression they’re just dating for fun, or simply as pals, special friends, etc…But this always leads to the inevitable crossroads in a relationship.  That day of reckoning when two people have to come together to go in one direction, or split up because things have gone as far as they can go without taking things to the next level.  These are defining moments in relationships.  Let’s look at some of the options available to couples in this situation by observing a couple in this stage.

Are Paul and Andrea Dating for Life?  Paul, a 33-year-old banking professional, and Andrea, a 30-year-old high school English teacher, have been dating for two years.  The year before meeting Paul, Andrea was in a long term relationship.  Though the relationship ended painfully, Andrea still has a strong desire to be in love and get married.  In contrast, Paul hasn’t been in a serious relationship for two years.  Though he’s been in a couple of bad relationships he says he wants to get married and settle down eventually.  He’s vague about what he means by “eventually.”  Let’s eavesdrop on them as they dine by candlelight at a cozy bistro celebrating their “anniversary.”

             Paul:  (sitting back and smiling) “I can’t believe it’s has been two years.  Two wonderful years.”

            Andrea:  (smiling) “I remember when we met across the street from this place.”

            Paul:  “Just imagine if you wouldn’t have dropped those boxes you were carrying we’d never have met (lowering his tone).  That day changed my life in a way I’d never imagined.  I don’t want to ever be without you in my life.”

            Andrea:  “I don’t ever what to be without you either (Andrea is wide eyed with anticipation).”

            Paul:  (raising and toasting her)..,.”to another year of love” (Andrea looks disappointed)

            Paul:  “What’s wrong?”

            Andrea:  “You said, here’s to another year, that’s what’s wrong.”

            Paul:  “Don’t you want to have another year together like this year?  Are you unhappy with things?”

            Andrea:  “You don’t even get it do you?”

            Paul:  “Get what?”

            Andrea:  “You know I want to get married.  We’ve talked about it.  I can’t go on like this, Paul.  To think, I even thought you brought me here tonight to propose.”

            Paul:  “We’ve talked about marriage.  But we haven’t talked about doing it.”

            Andrea:  “Paul, I love you.  But…”

            Okay stop, let’s freeze the conversation right there.

            Which of the following should Andrea do?:

A.      Back off.  Let Paul have some space for a few weeks

This would be a good time for Andrea to be brave enough to let him have some space.  If he backs away from the relationship, then she’s received her answer about where things were headed.  On the other hand, he might think it over and decide to move forward.

B.       Press Paul on the situation and give him an ultimatum

No…No…Nooo!   An ultimatum is never an option.  What kind of relationship can she expect with Paul if she has to pin him to the mat to get him to commit?  On the other hand, it’s perfectly okay for her to tell Paul how she feels.

C.       Just cope with the situation as it is.

This isn’t going to work for Andrea because she wants to move toward marriage.  If she was to attempt to accept things as they were she would be being untrue to herself which would ultimately just lead to heartache.

Which of the following should Paul do?

A.     Criticize Andrea for wanting to get married?

If Paul criticizes Andrea he will come across as cold-hearted and disinterested in the future of the relationship.  Acknowledge her feelings and discussing the issue would work much better.

B.    Reassess what the relationship means to him

This would be a wise thing for Paul to do at this point.  If Andrea is ready to proceed to the next level while he wants things to remain the same, they simply may be inevitably headed in two different irreconcilable directions.  On the other hand, it could be that Paul is open to the idea, but simply hadn’t given it full consideration.

C.    Do what she wants…to keep her happy

No.  Absolutely not!  This is a direct road to disaster.  If he does what she wants just to make her happy, he’ll be unhappy and he won’t be able to keep up the smiling face act for very long.  No matter how hard the decision, it’s easier, to tell the truth, and deal with the consequences than to live a lie.

Truthfully, there is no single and best answer for the situation Paul and Andrea find themselves in together.  The only answer can be found in their hearts after some soul searching.  The crossroads is a critical time in a person’s relationship because the decision they make will profoundly affect their future in many ways.  The crossroads is a time to listen to your heart, but not be swept away by fear, or swooned by emotions.  The only real way to work through it is to talk with your partner and then take some time alone to think and pray.  Let your next step be guided in divine peace and not fear.