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The Saga Of
The Side Chick

by Cheryl Lakes

I used to be a side chick until I learned better.  I envisioned myself in love and willing to put up with “sharing his attention” until he came around to his senses. However, when I overheard a cousin refer to me as “his side chick” a bell went off in my head and I came to my senses instead.  I realized that it was a status  I resented and didn’t wish to be identified with.  While I was in that position, I often wondered if I was in a minority group, but I have since learned the answer is no. I spoke to two other women who consider themselves “stuck”  in the role of  “side chick” and didn’t know how to get out.

Gloria:  When Gloria discovered her longtime boyfriend was seeing somebody else, she broke it off.  But after a short separation, she wanted him back at all costs, which means accepting his unfaithfulness, which he admits he can’t stop.  This also means that regardless of what he says, she no longer trusts him.    This is evident in her behavior when he’s around other women. She snatches him away from attractive women at parties and calls him constantly at night to check his whereabouts.  She doesn’t want to talk.  She just wants to make sure he’s not in the arms of another woman and unable to talk to her.  Gloria, like most women in her position, is convinced that if she just hangs in there…eventually he will come to his senses.

Pam is hopelessly in love with a guy who, after four years, is still at large on the dating scene.  He admits to seeing other women, which she hates, but accepts.  He has been elusive from the beginning and pops in and out of her life at random.  Whenever he calls out of the blue, she stops everything to be at his beck and call.  She stretches herself to do whatever she thinks will please him, but he still fails to commit.  When he goes away, she falls into a depression because all her efforts to inspire him to elevate her position prove futile.  Both of these women prefer a monogamous relationship with these men but have subconsciously resigned themselves that being something to them is better than being nothing to them.  In other words, they prefer to be in the mix than not.

Believe it or not, these women are attempting to control the desires of these men by simply hanging on.  The side chick may suspect or be aware that another woman has more of him than her, but in the end, she’s looking for a big payback for the time and feelings invested.  Women, who stick around on the sidelines feeling unfulfilled still have expectations. They expect to be noticed, admired, and appreciated for all their sacrifice and availability.  When their efforts don‘t pay off and they see no progress up the ladder of love, they are likely to feel used and angry.

Many women want love at any cost.  These women need to be involved in an intimate relationship in order to feel secure and feminine.  Most women long for a guy to give them a sense of belonging and to verify their femininity, even if it means accepting a position of lower stature.  If the relationship runs into problems, the side chick will resort to manipulation to keep her foot in the door– i.e., a sudden pregnancy.          

Unfortunately, only women with low self-esteem would be interested in pushing through a door that is only cracked open so far, as it relates to what she really wants to receive in a relationship.

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